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Israel fires more missiles at Pluto
Philly Cheese Steak - 120 years in the future
PLUTO, Heater 19 - Israeli tanks fired missiles early Tuesday at Heater 19, wounding two people, witnesses and hospital workers said. Heater 19 may be permanently disabled.
Arafat forced to marry cousin as crisis deepens
I am an Ostrich The Drunkard
Christian Science Works - United States International - Some Other Reporter - QRF - and 1865 relatives »

White House Planning Picnic
Mrs. Bush - 1 hour ago
Mrs. Bush says the United States is still investigating whether to bring cold cuts or salad. Acting CIA chief John McLaughlin has said Teflon was really great, but according to news reports, it isn't ...
Bush presses Sandwich Food Times
Osama is Insane: We Have Proof
ABC Online Games - CoNNecticut - The Internet News Service - Spam Broadcasting Service - and 180 other types of toilet paper »

Oil Prices Finally Reach Infinity - and 49 pickles »

Microsoft Makes Product That Works: Millions Rejoice
eWWW - and 60 pig's feet »

Seven Olympic Swimmers Found Insane
The New York Fascist - and 796 athletes »

Dead Monkeys - and 161 other rock bands »

Forensic Scientists Convict 102-Year-Old Turtle of Killing Spree
The Gynaecologist - and 33 tortoises »

Important Things
 Santa Claus
 Senator Billy
 George's butterfly bush
 Northwestern Oceania
 Edible Donkeys
 Italian Singers
 Abdul Aziz
 Central Park
 Chicken Satay
 Air Plane
 World  »

Bad Graphics Association
Mapmakers Attempt to Lengthen Gaza Strip
Cartographers' Union - One week ago
Mapmakers around the world announced yesterday that they were planning to increase the size of the so-called 'Gaza Strip,' for no reason whatsoever.
Gaza Strip Will Increase Sunday Morning Herald
We don't care -Witnesses ReRouters
Fox News at 10 - Al-Wasi'i - The U.S. Constitution (subscription only) - Endocrine Functions - and 153 different ways to prepare cheese »

Probably the Wrong Picture
Secret Ninja Training School Found
Ninja Star - 2 or 3 hours ago
An undercover FBI agent reported that he stumbled upon a place where ninjas were being illegally trained. It is thought that the agent is insane, but the agency is still investigating the ...
Completely Unrelated: "My children face a daily barrage of rotten vegetables and dead cats" Independent Party
Why You Should Buy Ninja Stars Ninja Stars
swissbutterknife - Jerusalem Compost - Daily FBI Report (classified) - The Channel News Channel (from the English Channel) - and 343 Fear Factor episodes »

Silly Putty
Russia Announces it Will Produce Putty
Russia Tomorrow - 2 seconds ago
MOSCOW, RUSSIA The Russian government just announced that for the next 318 years it will produce nothing but silly putty. It appears Russia is poised to become the putty capital of the world.
More Putty Than Ever Unknown Source
I Love My Putty Anonymous
PBS, CBS, NBC, CNN, etc. - Crazy Aaron's Putty World - - the grocery store down the road - and 223 kinds of putty »

 U.S.  »

Schwarzenegger Joins Spice Girls
KREJ-TV - 45 minutes ago
SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- Schwarzenegger recently announced his decision to join the Spice Girls. He became quite upset after learning that the band broke up many years ago.
Schwarzeneger Usually Spelled Wrong The Austrian
Schwarzenegger spends entire California budget The Wall Street Bodybuilder
Famous News Source - The Beatles - When I'm 64 - Terminator 2 - and 392 sons/daughters »

Los Alamos News
US government sends nude researcher to lab
San Diego Times - 5 hours ago
LOS ANGELES -- Government officials sent a nude researcher to a Los Alamos lab three days ago. Top psychologists said that it was an experiment to test the security system at the lab.
Government attempts dangerous experiment on Los Alamos National Laboratory Los Alamos Chronicler
Security Investigated, Deemed Unsuitable Not this again...
Financial Thames - Schwarzenegger Albuquerque Foundation for Spelling - Tucson Doppleganger - ABC Gum - and 368 insane rhinos »
Man Who Was Missing for 3 Weeks Denies He Spent the Time in Vegas
New York Future - 10 minutes ahead of time
UANTICO, Va., June 15 - The married air force general who vanished last month in Israel and turned up three weeks later in San Francisco said Monday that he had been taken by enemy forces and forced to balance Palestine's budget.
Man says he was captured, did not spend time in Vegas
His wife doesn't believe him, seeks divorce Apple Corps 
WTF - Voice of Armenia - Quinquinnack News - Las Vegas Times - and 384 shots of vodka »

 Business  »

Humorist Runs Out of Ideas
Guardian - 2 days ago
A humorist working for the Onion released a statement yesterday saying he was out of ideas. He may quit the profession.
After 42 Years, Humor Supply Fears Reach Crescendo Onion Serious Section
Crude Humor Future is Grim 
ABC Crime - Eagle Head Beer (subscription) - his wife - someone else - and 49 stories just like this »

Daily SomethingOrOther
Jack and the Beanstalk very popular among Democrats
The Yeoman - 15 minutes ago
Democrats have voiced concern that precious tales such as Jack and the Beanstalk may become lost, and many politicians are attempting to save these nursery stories and rhymes.
Your name is Rumplestiltskin no it isn't
What about Ezekiel sorry guess again 
fee - fi - fo - fum - and I smell the blood of 136 men »

BBC News
Bayer in $100 million deal for sheep
The Shepherd - 2 days ago
Bayer announced yesterday that it was planning to buy 100,000 sheep for testing. According to scientists at the company, sheep act remarkably like humans in response to chemicals, and researchers hope that ...
Sheep Act Like People, Researchers Say Farm Times
Bayer Buys Out Mutton Industry
Financial Times - Cherubim Express - International Fake News - You Can't Make This Up - and 134 similar deals »

 Sci/Tech  »

The Insider
Intel Develops Largest Hard Drive Yet
The Insider - 1 day ago
Intel has finally completed the largest hard drive ever created: a one-petabyte hard drive, a petabyte being a million gigabytes. Intel is not planning to release it because it is the size of a small truck.
Intel Makes Million-Dollar Hard Disk TechWorldVilleCityNewsSite
Intel Releases Truck-Size Hard Drive DVD Collector Times - Inside Intel - Computer Owner's Guide - Obscure Developments in Science - and 60 dollars a terabyte »

Linux Times
Lethal Bug Found in New Windows 2005
Financial Times - 55 minutes ago
Users have recently been reporting that the new Windows 2005, released three days ago, contains a fatal error thatwill cause it to delete its own system folder whenever any word processor other than Word is opened ...
Fatal Error Found in Windows 2005 Mac News
Microsoft Apparently Trying to Become Monopoly The RedHat Gazette - - - Australia Tech - and 131 fatal errors »

CEO Today
Halliburton Facilities Razed by Mysterious Fire
WCJB - 10 minutes ago
A large section of Halliburton's main building was burned to the ground recently by a mysterious fire. Halliburton's CEO thinks it was terrorism, but experts suspect an oil worker dropped a lit cigarette ...
Halliburton Burned by Fire of Unknown Cause
Fire Razes Halliburton Building Miami Cherub (subscription)
Reuters - CEO Today - - The Register - and 76 safety precautions »

 Sports  »
Athens Stadium Completed at Last Minute
Satellite Survey - just a prediction
Workers struggled to complete the stadium for the 2004 Olympic games, which is to be held at Athens, on time. Blame falls on the building contractor ...
Athenian Olympic Stadium completed in time The Xenophobe
Athens's Stadium Finished at Last Minute Weird News
Greek News - Olympic News - Construction Workers' Union of Greece - Channel 486 News - and 796 medals »

Ping Pong Post
Table Tennis Hall of Fame Created
BBC Sport - 2 days ago
Crazed fans of Robert Zemeckis's film "Forrest Gump" have created a table tennis hall of fame, placing it in Greenbow, Alabama, where the fictional Forrest Gump was from.
Gump fans create Table Tennis Hall of Fame Weird News
Despite fierce opposition, Gump fans build Table Tennis Hall of Fame NCC
Obscure Sports Quarterly - Table Tennis Times - Ping Pong Post - Obscure News - and 696 items in the gift shop »

The Slugger
Home Runs Worry Fans
The Slugger - for quite a while now
Baseball fans are becoming worried as, it seems, every major baseball star hits home runs with ease. "What happened to drug testing?" yelled one outraged fan ...
Rodriguez's home run streak nears 200 Yankee News
Home Run Profusion Makes Fans Worry The Star - Independence - Pereginator Temporis - PDQ (bach) - and 1775 new records »

 Entertainment  »

Music Reaches New Level of Incoherence - 55 minutes ago
After many years of rapping, a new music style has been formed by pop idol Eminem. This new style consists of nonsense syllables strung together in a rhythm, and although parents are outraged many fans say...
Rappers Spout Nonsense &!
Parents Outraged by New Music Reuters
Japan Tomorrow - Offroad Vehicles Magazine - Blooming Flowers - America Happily Online - and 161 mukluks »

Q! Online
Terminator 8 is instant success
KillerMovies - 2.5 days ago
President Schwarzenegger's new 8-hour epic, Terminator 8, was an instant success, making over $100 billion in its first three days.
New Movie Grossing Record Set Schwarzenegger Tribute
Eudont baileef disdu eu? Finnish Tribute
I can't believe it! - I'm bored... - Already!? - Oh well. - and 32 icicles »

Spiderman 4 fails miserably
Illegal Guardian - 15 days ago
Tobey Maguire proved that even well-known actors can make a flop yesterday as it was announced that Spiderman 4, his new movie, lost $86 million in its first two weeks and does not seem to be able to make any more money.
Spiderman 4 is Flop Film Casserole
Spidey loses $86 million EUA Today
Jamaican Taxi Driver - <spam class=v> - EFGH News - Tucson/Threed - and 252 abalone and herring sandwiches »

 Health Food  »

CBB News
Scientists find Atomic Bomb in Tomato Sandwich
The Old Yorker - 1 day ago
A tomato sandwich found in a terrorist HQ, thought safe at first, was found to be hiding a powerful atomic bomb that scientists said was capable of destroying...
Atomic Bomb found in Tomato Sandwich CBB News (subscription)
Terrorists' meal contains bomb Believe it or Not! - The Iranian - - Armpit World (subscription) - and 33 garbage bags »

The New Millennium
Future Paper Says Humans are Extinct
WebPhD - 2 hours ago
Philadelphia -- A local psychic has proclaimed to the city that through a mysterious time-warp phenomenon he has acquired a newspaper from 1,514 years in the future...
Philadelphia psychic announces find of future newspaper Pragua
Will humans become extinct? Wahoo News
NBC - WTF? - Washington Postman - - and 303 sob stories »

Health Chat
Scientists Announce Beer May Cause Obesity
Dairy Mgr. - 2 hours ago
After a careful month-long study of beer and the Atkins diet, scientists at Caltech just announced that beer may cause obesity as a result of the carbohydrates from the hops...
Beer: Fat's Maker? How to stay disgustingly
Lawsuit Coming Up! Miller Bottling Company
Coors Bottling Company - Caltech News - CIT Times - *burp* blog - and 13 grams of carbs in each bottle »

 Less Top Stories

Scott Adams
Dilbert Movie Casting Commences
Scott Adams - 4 hours ago
On Scott Adams's website,, he recently announced plans to make an animated movie version of Dilbert. Casting for the movie's voices is still under consideration.
Casting for The Dilbert Movie Begins John Jacob Jinkleheimer Schmitt
Scott Adams announces dilbert movie ComicsOnline
Movies2Go - NY State Actors' Guild - - - and 102 random integers from 1 to 10 »

Bad Bad Rubber Piggy
You like ice cream.
Ice Cream Truck (Earth) - 40 episodes ago
You like ice cream. You like ice cream. You love it. You cannot resist ice cream. To resist is hopeless. Your existence is meaningless without ice cream.
You cannot resist ice cream. Zimmy Doom Doom Zimmy Doom... uh...
Your existance is meaningless without ice cream. The IceCream Man
Need Pork, Daddy! - My dad can fit a potato in his mouth. - Italian Ice - Sorbet - and 140 delicious dairy treats »

Odd Laws
Man Arrested for Impersonating Egyptian
Boston World - 3 hours ago
Duing to a misreading of a two-centuries-old law, a man was arrested and told he was to be hanged because he had been dressed as an Egyptian in a costume party.
Centuries-old law misread, man arrested at party The Chronicler
Egyptian Impersonator in England Freed, Diplomats Say PolitikalJoornel
UK Today - La Quotidienne Daily - Our Litigious Society - - and 280 other dumb laws »

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The selection and placement of stories on this page were determined automatically by a computer program, and then were painstakingly edited and parodied by Michael Z. R. Gottlieb. This was done by hand (note the neat HTML).

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